Sick Days

So, today I get a text from my manager asking me how I felt. I replied with "feeling better, just not myself yet, see you tomorrow". I was told by the ER Doctor to take at least 2 days of from work. Then I get a text that says, well we think you should finish your medication and return to work on Monday. Today was Tuesday, and I cannot afford a week off without pay. I said, via text that I was a bit confused and could not afford to be off that long.

My next response was as per Dr._________ my boss, no one here wants to get sick. I responded with well, as per the ER DR, after 2 days you are not contagious anymore. Then I got a see you tomorrow. Wtf? You can google strep throat or call any medical doctor to see what the time constraints are for being contagious. And strep is airborne. You breathe it, touch it on someones hands, anything. It's insane that on top of NOT having insurance I am expected to be out of work for a week. Believe me, if I could get paid, I would have jumped on that. Hell, one bottle of pills alone out of the three cost me 75 dollars! Plus I now have the hospital bill looming over my head now.

Nice.

To text or not to text

So recently I met some new friends. Well sort of. One of the two I actually haven't met in person but we have allowed each other on all of our social networking sites. We have exchanged phone number's as well. A couple weeks ago, I get an email on one of the sites saying to me that I should feel free to "text him anytime". Okay...

We had already texted a few times before this but he disappeared for about 3 weeks. I have shared my schedule and my eagerness to meet, and yet it still has not happened. I know that schedules are hard, but until you meet someone so much is lost in text messages. And emails for that matter. Even if you meet someone for just one time, you at least know enough to where an email/text is not lost in translation.

Now grant it, I sometimes don't like talking on the phone depending on my day at work, but I would much rather hear someone's voice than text and email all the time!


Texting can be fun, and cute and even flirty.... but it can only go so far until you meet someone!

Am I a Cougar?

So, I recently have been posed with this question and it made me do some thinking. I am currently single and I am a 36 year old woman. When I go out, I am "usually" approached by younger males. When I am walking down the street or riding the train I am "approached" by older men, much, much older. Does age really matter? I say it does not and this is from my experience only. It's not scientific, but from my dating experience it does not matter.

I have dated men older than me and they are a complete HOT MESS. Some with jobs, some floating around in life, some with kids, some without. Some who worked at a record store for the whole time I lived on the East coast and lived in their mother's basement! I have dated men younger than me that have their shit together, good jobs, college grads, know what they want out of life. I am really tired of people judging me because of the age of my dates. If I were a 36 year old man and I were dating a 25 year old woman every one would give me a high five!! So what makes if right if the roles are reversed?

Women in their mid to late forties and over are having babies. Age is just a number. I know plenty of people who still don't know what they want to be when they grow up. To my knowledge, life is not a race. To each their own.

I don't aggressively go out looking for someone younger than me, it just always seems to happen that way. I don't see it as a flaw on my character or my level of maturity because I am and always have been a mature beyond my years individual.

So, I say, live and let live. What's good for the goose is good for me too!! Mind your business!!

Dear Allen

It's been 4 months since I got the news that you had passed away. Time is not healing my wound. I miss you so much. I can't imagine my life without you. You were the only one I could trust with telling anything to. The only one who wouldn't judge me. You were the only one who could calm me down out of a panic attack, although I don't get them very often anymore. You told me things that I didn't want to hear, but needed to hear. You put me in my place. You pushed me. You loved me unconditionally. I am so sorry that I let the ups and downs of the relationship I was in at the time prevent us from talking as much as we use to. I can't get that time back and I very much regret it. You made sure I knew I was loved. You sent me cards and gifts for every holiday. You sent me money when you thought I had none.

You encouraged me to do everything I could do and be everything I wanted, to try everything because you only live once. You pushed me to follow my dreams, when I just wanted to throw them away.

You listened to every insane story and experience that I went through here. You were with me every step of the way throughout my Father's death and my Mother's sickness. You told me that you would be with me at her funeral holding my hand. You said you would do everything you could do be there with me. I will never forget that day we met. It was at the Merchants Advocate Christmas party where our parents worked. I thought you were so cool. You looked like someone straight out of my teen beat magazine. I didn't see you again for 2 years because you lived in Woodbury. It was freshman year at OHS, when I saw you sitting in the hallway at lunch. You were way too cool for the cafeteria. I walked over and introduced myself and we were friends from that point on...

We shared a love of music and pop culture. The Cure, KMFDM, Madonna, Kylie, Warhol, R.E.M, so many memories. I have notes that you wrote me with pictures of Robert Smith from the Cure drawn on. Your artwork was priceless and I wish that you would have followed your dreams as well.

I will never forget when you came to visit me in NYC. I had just been to Madonna the night before you got here. We had so much fun and I will cherish those memories forever. Especially sitting on the couch while my roomies slept and just talking all night.

We never had problems with conversation. You and I would be on the phone for 3 or more hours at a time sometimes more than once a day.

I miss you so much. You were my best friend. I will never forget that day in April when my phone rang. I thought it was you and I was so excited as we had not spoken in a while, and when I answered the voice on the other end was not yours, but your Mother's. My heart sank. I knew it couldn't be good. I feel so bad because I couldn't get there. I know you know how much I loved you. I will never meet another Allen Merritt. I can't wait to tell my kids one day about you. You were such an amazing person. So talented and caring, compassionate and loyal.

I am truly blessed to have met you and honored to call you my best friend.

Upscale Beggars?

So last week on my lunch break, I was walking back to work and I see a lady in her 30's I'm guessing sitting on the corner of 52nd and Madison Avenue. She was clean with shorts and shirt on ( clothing looked new), she had a brown paper sack in which I thought was her lunch, and she had a brand new Coach bag. I thought she was sitting/stooping to eat her lunch. As I approached closer, she looked up and says to me "ma'am can you spare some change"? What? With a coach bag? Is this the new reality? Upscale beggars? Is that what a homeless person looks like on Madison Avenue?


I rarely give out money here anymore. If I gave a dollar to everyone who asked I would be broke. Some have even started asking for exact amounts. I have even bought lunch and food for their pets only to have it thrown at me and to be yelled at. I would much rather donate time or money to a charity than to hand out money now. My way of giving back is to volunteer. But I want to know that your helping yourself as well. If I see you at the same spot for 7 years then it's obvious to me that you don't want out of your situation.

Note to beggars on Madison Avenue........ loose the labels honey.

In case of Emergency

So today after suffering through 2 days of fever and pain, I dragged my ass via taxi to the ER. I have what the Dr. diagnosed as severe strep throat. She asked me to say "ahh", and when I did, she said "OH GOD" not what I wanted to hear. So, 4 hours later I was out. I have 2 out of the 3 prescriptions b/c RiteAid did not have the 3rd so it will have to wait till tomorrow. I have a fever of 102 and it's like 100 degrees outside so on top of not being able to talk, I don't have the energy to walk to every pharmacy with a fever till I find one who has it.

I have no insurance, so I can't wait to see this bill. I applied for charity. The girl was actually very nice in telling me to get a letter from my job. But one of the questions made me very sad this morning. While getting all my information, they asked for a name and number in case of emergency. I don't have one. She looked stunned at me and said, no one? No. My father died 7 years ago, and my Mother is in hospice care, I am alone on the East Coast, so NO, there is no one. My dog..... lol, what can he do?

Now that has made me really think about things. Do I want to move from the east coast? Would it matter if I did. I am not in a relationship, realistically have not been since September of last year even though we were still speaking until March of '09. On top of being sick as a dog, she inadvertently made me feel bad for being single with no family.

Now I have to be out of work for at least 2 days at a new job. Boy this year couldn't get any better for me! I mean I have friends, close one's too, but being someone's "in case of emergency" is a big responsibility. Or is it. Is it just friendship at it's best. Really if I were admitted to the hospital, my in case of emergency would check in on Hiro and my apt;, I wouldn't need someone by my bedside. Unless of course something went horribly wrong in which case my "in case of emergency" would have to take care of my belongings, and calling any existing relatives if I died.

But isn't that what a good friend should or would do?

It's been 5 months since we've spoken and 11 since you left

Whew, I can't believe it has taken me this long to get over what happened. It hasn't been that long since we've spoken, but almost a year since you left. I knew that day that it was over. I can't believe that I let you fool me again. Third time was the charm though, and I have to admit you made me believe it this time. I believed you changed. I stood up to all my friends and family. I defended you. I pushed everyone who meant anything to me away because they didn't understand you.

I am sure that my Dad is rolling in his grave. He tried to tell me way back in 1997 when we first met. He told me you were trouble, a con man. I told you in '07 that if it didn't work this time, you were dead to me. There would never be another conversation for the rest of our lives. I didn't ever want to see you again. I don't want to hear your voice. I told myself that I wouldn't wish bad things for you, but I do and I forgive myself for that. You know what I have went through. You were so good with my Mom, how could you want to hurt her too? I hear things, and I know that Karma is having a hay day with you. You will never learn. You will never change and you will never grow up. And unfortuneately something really bad is bound to happen soon, something that will shake you to your core. And I will be there to watch and smile politely.

You broke me so badly I didn't know if I could ever love again. If I would ever want to feel love again. I didn't know how much damage you did until recently. But I am better now. You were right about one thing, I am strong. Stronger than you. I will always be there when you close your eyes, I hope my voice echoes in your head. I hope we cross paths one day, as I know you will seek me out thinking you can charm your way back into my life. And when we do I will look right through you as if I don't see you. You don't exist to me anymore. I wish I saw the damage you did when you were doing it. I thought I was happy. I was wrong. It was the "idea" of what we were, because we were never happy. You did everything you could to hurt me on purpose. I took us on a 3000 dream vacation and you ruined it. You did something that I never thought you would do.


I tried to fix you. I tried to "save" you. I realize now that I can't save everyone or anyone for that matter unless they want to be saved.

What I regret is that the 3rd time around for us, I let you in deeper than ever before. I showed you demons that no one has seen. I shared parts of me that no one knows about. I can't believe I let you there. I feel like a piece of me is gone now. You showed me a part of life that I didn't think I wanted, but I did. I do. For that, I thank you.

And maybe that was my lesson in all of this.....