I'm tired of living this way

So today I woke up and outside it still looks like it's night.  At 1 pm it was dark as night out and it's been raining all day.  I have looked for jobs about 4 times or more since 11 am and it's now 5 pm.  Nothing has been posted.  I cleaned the bathroom, dusted, swept the floors (with my swiffer) and made my bed.  I had a sandwich for lunch and just ate some leftovers for dinner already because I was hungry early.

I checked my bank account and to my surprise am negative $36.67 because they decided to charge me a $3.00 monthly fee and there you have it!  I am so tired of being broke.  Now I am out $36 dollars when this week I am out of everything... and have to pay Mom's phone bill and my phone bill.... GREAT!!

I really don't know what to do.  I am so over this life.  I'm over living.  Period.

March 18, 2010

10:00 seems to be the magic #, can't wake up any earlier for some reason.  Well, I know the reason, because I can't go to sleep before 1 am.  Straightened up the house then went out with Hiro for a walk, not far this time because my right ankle is swelled up on both sides and hurts.  It actually didn't hurt when I left or woke up, but by the time I got back home and right now, it's hurting.  Don't know what I did to it though!  We walked to McGreely Square sat about 10 minutes then came back to Journal Square and Ruth met us up for a few minutes... so we were gone about 2 hours.  Gonna try to get out tomorrow too.  It's just too nice outside for me to sit in this apt that I have been stuck in for 6 months.

I really thought I would hear from the interview I went to.... I haven't.  I am so scared.  My Mom hasn't been feeling up to par either, I talk to her about once per day.  I am lonely and fat.  It's 11 pm and I am still not tired.  I came home, cleaned up, looked for jobs a 2nd time ( I usually do this 3 or more times a day) cooked dinner, Daniel came over to visit, cleaned up the dishes, made peanut butter cookies..... and now nothing.....

:-(

6 Months

September 17, 2009 I lost my job for the 2nd time since January 2009.  Today is March 17, 2010 and it's been SIX LONG MONTHS.  I didn't think I would be unemployed this long.  I've been unemployed before in my life, but only for a couple of months.  The holidays of 2008, 2009, and so far 2010 has absolutely sucked!!  I haven't been able to participate in anything.  I have lost hope at this point.  I don't know what to do.  Maybe I should sell all my stuff and move?  But where?  Where do I go?  I don't know where to look for a job, I'm on every website out there.  I look at the ads/classifieds everyday, all day long. I keep my ass at home.  I've gained so much weight in six months it's insane... I miss my Mom like crazy and know I have lost and am losing valuable time with her that I can't get back.  So, anyway.... 6 Months.....

45 more minutes till I am ...... gasp~ 37!!

Today started off really good.  I got a great nights sleep, actually wanted to sleep longer.  You know when it's the perfect temperature, lighting, and your just so comfy.... I wanted to sleep longer but knew I had to get up.  I waited for the mail to come to get my birthday cards, then got dressed and off to Target I went to use the gift card my Uncle sent to buy some groceries.  Ugh, long, long walk.  But it was nice out, cloudy and slightly windy but nice.  Got depressed in Target, there are so many cute things both for me and the house and I cannot buy them.  I need a new couch cover so bad I'm afraid I'm gonna have to break down in a couple weeks and actually spend the money on one.  I had to leave after I spent the card, it hurts my feelings.  Still no calls about jobs.

My Mom, bless her heart sent me $15 for my birthday.  I feel so bad but will hurt her feelings if I send it back.  Facebook made me cry tonight, so many heartfelt messages from my friends.  Maybe I should move home?  I don't know. I'm going to see Alice in Wonderland tomorrow night with Porsha, her birthday gift to me!  I wish I had money to go out... I miss my friends and the life I used to have.

Oh well... gotta go....

Goodbye Sun

Well, I didn't sleep well last night but woke up at 9 am.  I didn't really get moving until about 11:30, got my laundry together and off to the laundromat I went... I only get to keep $30 out of my unemployment money.  I only had enough money to do two loads of laundry.  Then I went to C-Town to get some groceries, with the $14 I had left.  which is only going to last me maybe 3 days if that.  My birthday is in 2 days.  My friend Porsha is taking me out friday night to see Alice & Wonderland, and my Uncle Jim sent me a $50 Target gift card, which I am going to use tomorrow to buy some more groceries and whatever else I can get.  This is probably the worst shape I have ever been in in my whole life.

I want to go out and loose my mind so much.  I have only got one birthday card as of today... so funny, I've been so good to all my friends and I can't even get a birthday card.  So fucked up.  There has been little or no ads for jobs on Craigslist or The New York Times, and yet no phone calls what-so-ever.  It's almost as if I am being punished or blackballed somehow.  I don't know what to to.

I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since I've had a job.  About to be 37 years old.  What a loser.

3/8/2010

Today started off waiting for the Comcast guy to come pick up the equipment since I cancelled cable.  While I was waiting, I started cleaning, moving things around hanging up and moving pictures, etc.  I wanted to do my 2 mile hike but got into the cleaning groove.  I swept, mopped, dusted, washed dishes, made the bed and cooked dinner.  In between I looked for jobs, checked email, chatted on the phone and farted around.  

I am now showered and waiting for Gossip Girl to come on.  I was so happy to get a birthday card from my Uncle Jim, he sent me a $50 gift card for Target!! I need it so much, thank God!!  

I also called Tamika today and left a message.  I haven't spoken to her since sometime in 2004 I think, I don't even know why we stopped talking.  I miss her, and think of her often.  

It was so nice here today, 64 degrees and sunny!! I really hope that it stays that way!

Well, I am off to call my Mom or hunt her down before my show starts...... 

From Happy to Sad in less than 60 seconds

Well I just got off the phone with my mother..... I can be in the Best mood ever and it takes her less than a minute to put me in a bad mood.  I called her to talk, tell her about Hiro and the park, and the dinner I made.   I've been tryin to call her since I got home, for about 3 hours.  She finally answered the phone and said the she and Sibby just got back from A&W for dinner.  So, joking I said I hope the deep fried mushrooms burned your lip.  She then got nasty and said that I was begrudged her..... Are you fucking serious??  All the times that I have told her about me eating out or buying something for myself or the apartment or getting my haircut and she makes me feel bad???  Half the things in my life I can't tell her about.  Am I envious??? Hell fucking yes, but I was only kidding.  I know that food there sucks!!

But hell the fuck yea, I want to eat out!! I can't afford fucking french fries!!  Sibby has no job, yet manages to eat out everyday!!!  Fuck them!!  I hung up on her.  I don't have patience to be spoken to so hateful all the time.  I'm sick of it, illness or no illness.

Well.... so much for my lovely day!!!

March 2010

March 6, 2010

Well, it's just 6 days till my birthday.  It will be another sucky one.  I still have not found a job.  I mean, I'm not even getting any phone calls.  I had ONE interview in February!!  It's as if I have been black balled and everyone has a copy of my resume and my picture with an alert saying "don't hire her"!!  I mean, what the F*ck is going on??  This is the longest I have ever been unemployed.  I mean, I've been unemployed before, but never for this long.  It's going on 6 months the 17th of March.

Hiro and I just got back from walking to Lincoln Park and back, when we got in he started hopping around like his back paw is hurt.  Licking it, acting like he's in distress.  I washed all his paws and tried to put peroxide on it, but he won't let me look.  He isn't bleeding, and I don't see a sign of blood.  I pressed on his foot and he didn't wimper..... that is all I need is another vet bill.

The weather is nice today, it's sunny, the sky is blue and the temperature is 55 degrees!!  I only had a hoodie on and a light weight scarf.  I have 3 windows open b/c it's too warm in here and of course my landlord never fixed me heat so I can control it.

Ruth, Porsha and Franky have all offered to take me out for my birthday, and while I totally appreciate it, I don't want to go.  Makes me feel worse to not have any money or not be able to participate in any holiday or celebration.

I miss my Mom so much and want to see her so bad.  I thank God every day for getting her one more day.  I've lost a whole year without her.  And for that I will always feel guilty.  Well, I am gonna browse the internet awhile then do a little cleaning before I make dinner.

Oh, I fee so inspired by the movie Julie & Julia.  I think I'm gonna see about going to culinary school.  And my goal is to stay motivated to walk to Lincoln Park everyday, if the weather will permit me to.

Let's see if I can make it!