I'm so Mad at her

I know I should totally not feel this way, but I am so angry with my Mom.  I'm angry at her for being sick, for NOT taking care of herself.  I'm angry at her for not quiting smoking, for not having another child so I had a brother or sisiter.  For not letting me date when I was younger (maybe I would have been married by now), for not getting me help with my weight problem (again, maybe I would be married by now, but who wants to marry a fat woman).  I'm angry at both of them for not pushing me harder. 

I hate her for choosing her sister of me.  I continute to hate her for choosing Sibby day in and day out.  I hate her for leaving me.  Leaving me with NO ONE>  No one to call and check to see if I got home okay.  No one.  Who am I gonna call when I need to know something?  Who's gonna care if I live or die?  Who's gonna care if I'm homeless?  Who's gonna be there for me now?

What happened to my life? I've got great friends, right?

Today, since I woke up I have thought of nothing but my life.  The past, the present and the future.  I've had the tv on, but haven't really focused on anything except one show really.  I've done nothing.  Just now brushed my teeth at 7 pm.  I haven't spoken to anyone, not even my Mother.  Just my dog, and I've actually been grouchy to him. 

I came to realize that I really don't have a life anymore.  I have no friends.  I mean, I have friends, but I mean real friends whom I do things with.  Whom I'm active with socially and on a regular basis.  Sure I have friends in TN, but those were HS friends or some thereafter, I haven't seen most of those people in 20 years.  I have my friends that I've made in the 10 years I've lived here, but I haven't seen some in almost 5 months, some sadly in over a year or more.  The only one that I see regularly is Ruth, a 60+ year old woman, who in some way is a mirror of my future self.   She has no family, no friends close by, no kids, no husband or boyfriend.  She is Alone.  I am Alone.   I mean, I really am.  My Mom is dying of a terrible disease and I haven't seen her in almost a year.  I am not married, no kids, no brothers or sisters, no Grandparents, no boyfriend, and no friends.  Hiro, my beloved dog is my only friend. 

I have become a recluse.  I have no life.  I mean I have friends, but few and far between. Some only call when they are coming to visit, they need a tour guide and sometimes a place to stay, they come I see them briefly, the leave then I don't hear from them till the next time comes around that they visit for business or pleasure.

Most are only in my life when things are going good, when I'm out, going dancing, going to their parties, bar hopping, eating dinner and basically just happy.  None are around when skies are grey.  There is no one to be seen.  I'm sure they all think I'm some freak who's always sad.  Oh woe is me, I have no family, my Mom is dying. 

I've thought about sucide more than once in my life.  I thought about it when I was in HS, GOD how I hated high school.  But most recently I've been thinking of it more and more again. 

Not that I would ever do it, nah, I'm too chicken for that.  There's no way I would do that.

Thing is I have no solution for my problem, I thought I was a good judge of character.  I know people grow apart, I know that people have lives.  I thought I knew how to pick good people.  I thought I was a good friend to them too.  I guess not.

Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I've been so spacey for over a week, I can't stop crying, I am tearing up as I type.  I can't sleep, or sleep for a couple hours and wake up.  I'm having panic attacks where I can't catch my breath.  I don't want to do anything.  I went out today, walking for about 2 hours.  I promised myself that I would at least start doing that to get some exercise.

I don't know what to do to help myself.  I can't stop crying long enough to do anything.  I don't want to talk to anyone, not even my Mom.  I really just want to curl up on the couch and die.  I thought it would help me to try to blog tonight, but it's not working right now.

American Express, don't leave home without it

Well not in Jersey City apparently.  I went out today to get a few things, went to the fruit market, shopped, went to the check out where the girl added up my items and bagged them up, $13.01 she said.  I handed her my american express gift card.  She swiped it and then said they didn't accept Amex.  What?  But Amex is accepted everywhere I said.  She then called over another man who I would consider asian.  He whipped out his cell phone, walked away and was on the phone for at least 10 minutes.  He came back and said they "don't indeed accept Amex", do you have another form of payment?  Do you think that I would have been standing here the whole time if I didn't?  They then asked if I was coming back for my items and I said NO.  I then continued my shopping through Journal Square then walked to Mc Greely SQ to yet another fruit market.  Again I started shopping when it struck me that I should ask if they accpet Amex, and yes I was turned down once again.  Wtf??? 

Another sleepless night ahead

Today I was on the phone pretty much all day long, either trying to get through to someone at the New York Unemployment office or just shootin' the breeze with friends.  Seems I have run out of benefits and do not qualify for extended or emergency benefits because of "timing".  Great.  So now, I will go a couple of weeks with no pay and have to wait to see if I get any more benefits from the last job.  Thing is, I don't know what I am going to do if I don't get benefits.  I'm sure in the hell not going to a shelter.  So where am I going to go with my tail between my legs?  I have no home.  My Mom is in a nursing home, my Dad is already gone, no grandparents and really no more family.  I don't know what I am going to do.

In the meantime, what lie do I tell my landlord now? I really think sometimes things would be so much better if I would just die.  I really can't take anymore.  I'm tired of people telling me to be positive, it will get better, or your a strong person, or the best, God only gives you what you can handle.  Really?  I mean really???   How many other 36 year old women have had the experiences I have?  How many others contemplate death and what to do with their beloved dog?  I surely don't want anyone else to have him.  No one would understand him and might beat him for what they think is being bad when he's just being Hiro.   So, not only am I thinking about my imminent death, but his too.

All week long I've had horrific nightmares... about everything.  Dreams and memories about Jason and me, so vivid like he's here, both the good and the bad.  I've been so spacey I've been leaving out food, ruining things with bleach... I've completely been on another planet.

I mean it's midnight and I'm typing in my blog instead of sleeping.  Something has to give.  I need a miracle at this point..

Slipping Away

I've probably called my Mom at least 6 times as of 10 pm.  I miss her so very much and I know I am incredibly selfish.  Selfish for not giving up my life and moving there.  Selfish for begging God or the Universe not to take her yet, to give me one more year, or to take me.  I'm just a waste of space, of flesh.  I only worked 5 months out of 2009 and 8 months out of 2008.  I haven't used my education, I'm not married, haven't reproduced.  What good am I?  I beg, pray, whatever everyday just to have more time with her.

I can't imagine going through life with no one to call and check up on me.  No one for me to call and say, I love you.  No one that I am eternally linked to by blood.  It already still after all these years feels so odd to not be able to talk to my father or my grandparents.  But when I loose the final link to my life is when I will truly loose myself.

Oh What a Night!

Yesterday I went to do some laundry "just in case" I get interviews this week. As I was pushing "Betsy" the cart I noticed a stomped on sunflower on the ground, then a rose in the same shape I might add, and last but definitely not least was a sprig of lavender with a condom. Hmmmm....

Why can't I get over you?

March 7, 2010 will be exactly one year since I last spoke to him. Yet, he's in my dreams, in my head, even in my drawers. Today I opened one of my drawers to put something away and this big whiff of "Jason" brushed across my face. I stood there, mesmerized by the scent, almost immobile. It's been 1 year and 4 months. Some days I think I'm over it, and then I'm back to start. I even signed up on an online dating profile, not much good that's done. The internet and my insatiable noisiness to see what he looks like and what he's doing keeps me from ever forgetting. I took most of his things that were left here to Goodwill or gave them away, but sometimes I still find something. A letter, a card a movie that was his. There are so many songs on my ipod that I skip and cannot listen to because he used to sing them to me. They bring me to tears. I wonder who he's singing to now.

Thing is he left because he was supposedly in trouble. I saw the warrant for arrest. We had our ups and downs I will be the first to admit it, but we were working on them. I will admit to that he made/makes me happy. He knows everything about me, demons and all. He was my best friend, the first one I wanted to run to when something great happened, the first person I would run to if I was upset. He made me laugh, and cry. He made even the most mundane things sunny and bright. He was so GOOD with my mother and my crazy ass family, and I with his. That's what made me love him more, was how he treated them. No one else has ever made me feel the way he did when we were together. He left with every intention of coming back, only he didn't. He left and loved the country. He's definitely a country boy at heart. He called and tried convincing me to move there. Buy a house and live happily ever after, with his Mom. He told me I would still be close to my Mom. Just as easy to get to her from here.

I find myself embarrassed to talk to friends about this. I should be. He doesn't care about me. He didn't care that he left me broke and unable to pay my bills, care for my mother or myself. He made sure I cared for him and his mother. He didn't care that I had no Christmas 2 years in a row, or that I haven't seen my dying mother since May, almost a year. The longest I've ever went without seeing her. He doesn't care that I may be really sick pending test results in 2 weeks from removing a polyp from my cervix. He doesn't care that I may be homeless soon because my unemployment benefits are up. He doesn't care that Hiro, who was already sick in November still shows signs of being sick yet I can't take him to the vet.

He doesn't care. I don't exist to him. I'm not even someone whom he considers a friend least a lover. His disregard for me is less than that of someone I pass on the street or sit next to on the train.

So, why do I still care? Why can't I get over it. I wish I could erase that night I met him back in 1997. I wish I could erase his first visit to me in 2001. And the first time we tried it out as a couple here in NYC in 2003. I was courageous enough from 97-01 to forget him and again from 03-07, so why NOT NOW???


My Uncle told me way back before Jason moved in with me that if I didn't try it, I might miss out on something really great. And that to take it for what it's worth. My Uncle said " It is certainly interesting that you are dating someone from Tennessee. Seriously dating, from the sound of it. As a father of girls, I can tell you that the first dates are upsetting—and it is because of what fathers were doing at that age! I am glad you have someone around who cares. Just take your time and see what happens. Even if Jason isn’t the one, you can still enjoy each other’s company and friendship. And it may turn out that you do want to get serious. "

Stupid Cupid

Well I have been on an online dating site for about 8 months now and I can tell you that I am not sure what's worse, meeting men in person at a bar or random spot or meeting them online. I have been told everything from I am a blessing dropped down from god to being compared to a "fine aged cheese".

Most recently I was winked at by a 71 year old man, yes I said 71 don't rub your eyes your seeing correctly. Now, if my dad were still living, he would be 74 in just 4 days. One thing that I started doing in 2010 is responding to everyone who writes to me because while I might not be interested, it takes guts to put yourself out there. So, with that I usually say thanks for viewing my profile or thanks for the compliment and good luck on their search for love.

I did just that with the said 71 year old. He then proceeded to write me back and belittle me. Telling me that he was just looking for a "friend", but now thanks to the mere seconds I gave him I will NEVER KNOW. He wished me luck on my life, month, year, day, week with the ones I love. I won't go any further, but this really ruffled my feathers. I wrote him back after that, I mean he took this to the next level. It wasn't pretty.

I don't know, I think I have given up on love, it only happened once for me. I mean it doesn't hurt to be on there, but seems NO ONE reads the profiles, they just look at the pictures. I either get men who are 35 years older than me, or 15 years younger than me. The men my age can't spell or form a coherent sentence, and look like hell.

So, as Valentine's Day approaches again, I say Stupid Cupid stop picking on me!!

My personal hell

So as most of my very close friends know, I have had very bad periods for awhile now. Recently within the past few years they were just getting worse, but because I have not had insurance since about 2006, I just dealt with it. This past year it dramatically got worse, with December '09 being the worst ever. I finally got into a clinic in my neighborhood (that I didn't know existed) and find out that I have a growth attached to my cervix. She said it was a polyp, and that it was "very" big. She told me to see the specialist asap and that if I started having any problems between now and then to go to the ER.

Needless to say I am scared shitless. I have been laid off for the past 3 months going on 4, still have no insurance and I am by myself. No boyfriend, no family... and few good friends that live here. I have never had surgery before. I'm scared it might be cancerous. I can't believe that this could possibly the the last curtain call for me.

I have a couple friends that said they would be with me on the day of the surgery, so we will see when that day comes. Then I am probably gonna need more help. Cooking, cleaning, groceries, etc.

I have never in my life felt more depressed, scared, worthless, unloved and alone in all my life.

Doctor appointment is Friday at 2:30, so I have 3 days left.