Another sleepless night ahead

Today I was on the phone pretty much all day long, either trying to get through to someone at the New York Unemployment office or just shootin' the breeze with friends.  Seems I have run out of benefits and do not qualify for extended or emergency benefits because of "timing".  Great.  So now, I will go a couple of weeks with no pay and have to wait to see if I get any more benefits from the last job.  Thing is, I don't know what I am going to do if I don't get benefits.  I'm sure in the hell not going to a shelter.  So where am I going to go with my tail between my legs?  I have no home.  My Mom is in a nursing home, my Dad is already gone, no grandparents and really no more family.  I don't know what I am going to do.

In the meantime, what lie do I tell my landlord now? I really think sometimes things would be so much better if I would just die.  I really can't take anymore.  I'm tired of people telling me to be positive, it will get better, or your a strong person, or the best, God only gives you what you can handle.  Really?  I mean really???   How many other 36 year old women have had the experiences I have?  How many others contemplate death and what to do with their beloved dog?  I surely don't want anyone else to have him.  No one would understand him and might beat him for what they think is being bad when he's just being Hiro.   So, not only am I thinking about my imminent death, but his too.

All week long I've had horrific nightmares... about everything.  Dreams and memories about Jason and me, so vivid like he's here, both the good and the bad.  I've been so spacey I've been leaving out food, ruining things with bleach... I've completely been on another planet.

I mean it's midnight and I'm typing in my blog instead of sleeping.  Something has to give.  I need a miracle at this point..