Why can't I get over you?

March 7, 2010 will be exactly one year since I last spoke to him. Yet, he's in my dreams, in my head, even in my drawers. Today I opened one of my drawers to put something away and this big whiff of "Jason" brushed across my face. I stood there, mesmerized by the scent, almost immobile. It's been 1 year and 4 months. Some days I think I'm over it, and then I'm back to start. I even signed up on an online dating profile, not much good that's done. The internet and my insatiable noisiness to see what he looks like and what he's doing keeps me from ever forgetting. I took most of his things that were left here to Goodwill or gave them away, but sometimes I still find something. A letter, a card a movie that was his. There are so many songs on my ipod that I skip and cannot listen to because he used to sing them to me. They bring me to tears. I wonder who he's singing to now.

Thing is he left because he was supposedly in trouble. I saw the warrant for arrest. We had our ups and downs I will be the first to admit it, but we were working on them. I will admit to that he made/makes me happy. He knows everything about me, demons and all. He was my best friend, the first one I wanted to run to when something great happened, the first person I would run to if I was upset. He made me laugh, and cry. He made even the most mundane things sunny and bright. He was so GOOD with my mother and my crazy ass family, and I with his. That's what made me love him more, was how he treated them. No one else has ever made me feel the way he did when we were together. He left with every intention of coming back, only he didn't. He left and loved the country. He's definitely a country boy at heart. He called and tried convincing me to move there. Buy a house and live happily ever after, with his Mom. He told me I would still be close to my Mom. Just as easy to get to her from here.

I find myself embarrassed to talk to friends about this. I should be. He doesn't care about me. He didn't care that he left me broke and unable to pay my bills, care for my mother or myself. He made sure I cared for him and his mother. He didn't care that I had no Christmas 2 years in a row, or that I haven't seen my dying mother since May, almost a year. The longest I've ever went without seeing her. He doesn't care that I may be really sick pending test results in 2 weeks from removing a polyp from my cervix. He doesn't care that I may be homeless soon because my unemployment benefits are up. He doesn't care that Hiro, who was already sick in November still shows signs of being sick yet I can't take him to the vet.

He doesn't care. I don't exist to him. I'm not even someone whom he considers a friend least a lover. His disregard for me is less than that of someone I pass on the street or sit next to on the train.

So, why do I still care? Why can't I get over it. I wish I could erase that night I met him back in 1997. I wish I could erase his first visit to me in 2001. And the first time we tried it out as a couple here in NYC in 2003. I was courageous enough from 97-01 to forget him and again from 03-07, so why NOT NOW???


My Uncle told me way back before Jason moved in with me that if I didn't try it, I might miss out on something really great. And that to take it for what it's worth. My Uncle said " It is certainly interesting that you are dating someone from Tennessee. Seriously dating, from the sound of it. As a father of girls, I can tell you that the first dates are upsetting—and it is because of what fathers were doing at that age! I am glad you have someone around who cares. Just take your time and see what happens. Even if Jason isn’t the one, you can still enjoy each other’s company and friendship. And it may turn out that you do want to get serious. "