Goodbye to my lifeline

Dear Mom,

As I sit here in your room, feeling uncomfortably numb with an Aunt I only tolerate because you love her more than me. It may not be true, but it's how I feel.  Sitting here with you, there is so much I still want to know.  So much I want to ask you.  I'm not ready for you to leave me.  When you leave I will truly be all alone in the world.  Not another living person who is tied to me.  Who's going to answer my questions about family recipes and things about me when I was a kid?  Who am I going to call on my lunch break?  I will officially become an orphan.  I'm too young to have lost my whole family and I don't care if I'm not the only one.  I don't care if it seems I'm having a pity party for myself.  I don't care!  It's so unfair.   I'm tired of people telling me to be strong.  I'm not strong!!  I don't want to take care of myself.  All I want you to do is wake up.  I want you to need me because I need you.  I want you to open your eyes.

I thought the hardest thing I ever had to do thus far was say goodbye to my father before I was even 30 and to put my precious Lady to sleep.  I thought I would never recover from those.  I still miss my Dad more than ever and at times it seems like yesterday instead of 8 years ago.  I miss Lady too.  She was my little baby girl who kept me safe and loved me with all her heart. But now, I think this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  You illness has went on for years with so many ups and downs. I've taken red-eyes out of JFK to get to the Cleveland burn center.  I've said goodbye to you so many times and thought I was okay with the thought of losing you.  But this up and down thing is the hardest.  I used to think losing someone fast and unexpectedly was the best way, but now I'm not sure of that.  People with a terminal illness kinda have it the worst.  Watching someone die slowly is killing me inside.  Almost losing you time and time again then having you bounce back is taking a toll on me.  It has killed me inside. My father's death was so fast and unexpected I was in shock.  I walked around NYC in a kinda comatose like state.  I don't even remember much of my own life that year, almost like I blocked it out.

But this, watching you die slowly is ripping my heart out.  

I met with the hospice Chaplin yesterday and she said that if you don't pass when your here, the next visit to Ohio would be for a funeral.  I had pretending to have family.  I hate pretending to have something in common with them and I hate them for trying to make uncomfortable small talk with me.  If it were not for my mother being here, they wouldn't know if I were dead or alive. I hate pretending.  I know they don't care, let's just keep it like that.

I brought my laptop with me so that I would have something to do sitting here in silence for long hours at a time, and funny thing is I don't know what to say.


The other thing that bothers me is the amount of medication that they give you.  Morphine every half hour under the tongue and a slew of other meds. Morphine is one of the strongest drugs on the planet and the fact that your still having pain through all this just kills me.  

Oh Momma, please wake up.  I'm not ready for this.

He's my weakness

So, today started out like any other weekend day.  Slept in a little, woke up and was doing laundry by 10:30, took Hiro out for a walk, had some lunch, watched a movie, talked on the phone and played on the computer. The problem was my dream last night.  I've still been having dreams of Jason and I together, some memories posed as dreams and some plain dreams.  Last night I dreamt of the baby we were supposed to have.  I usually don't get to see faces, but last night I did.  We had a boy, blondish brown hair, blue eyes, it was so real.  I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I would stop dreaming of him and life with him, without him, about him.  It's just hurtful.  Why would my subconscious be doing this to me?

I will never know why, or what if, or how come.  I was the one who ended it.  I cut off contact.  So, ultimately it's on me for not pursuing answers.  He left a whole in my heart. I tried to date again, I've been on a dating site for over a year and couldn't get past any emails. I know in my heart I will never love again. It took so much just to tear down the wall from the last time he hurt me. I should have known better.

I always wonder though.  What if I would have moved there?  What if we continued with our plans without me moving there?  Will he ever get it together?  What if he comes back? What would I say?  Would it be too late?  Did all this happen for a reason?  I feel like the connection with him will never end.  It's been going on since 1997.  Will I be a 50 year old woman wondering the same thing I am now?  

Should I take a chance and make contact?  What would I say?  He tried to call in April, so I know I haven't left his mind completely. Will Jason ever prove me wrong?

I ♥ October!

So, I fell asleep on the couch last night, woke up around 2 am, washed my face and went directly to bed.  I finally slept in!  I finally got up around 11 am!!  I know I wasted part of a day, but I needed the sleep.  I think I got myself so worked up over my stupid ass landlord.  I missed a whole day of work b/c he's an idiot.  So, what's on my agenda today?  Cleaning!  I want to have the house completely cleaned before the exterminator gets here so that I don't wash away whatever he does!  It took 2 months for me to get the landlord to arrange this, so I need to be ready.  Other than that, my usual weekend agenda: cleaning, laundry, TV, cooking, movies, time with Hiro, writing, whatever I can fit in.... and usually catching up on phone calls and other correspondence.

It's Gorgeous outside!!  My kinda weather finally!! Well, I'll be back later for more confessions... chow!

Dear Allen

I haven't written you in awhile, but I think about you everyday.  I miss you dearly.  I try to call and check on your parents regularly, but haven't in about 2 weeks so I need to this weekend.  Everyone seems to be doing about the same, so no news is good news.  I haven't spoken to Lee in months.  I've tried and tried and for whatever reason, Lee just doesn't want to talk to me.  I've tried writing, I've tried calling and I've asked your Mom about him and told her to tell him to call me.  I worry that he's going to go down the wrong path again, but with no contact there is nothing I can do.

I miss you so much, and it's still hard to believe your gone.  I catch myself wanting to send you an email or call you.  It doesn't seem real.  You always knew what to say to make me feel better.  I have a friend named Steve, whom I met through Jason believe it or not and he's a great friend.  He truly cares and would do anything to help me and I would do the same for him.  He lives in San Diego with his boyfriend though, although I wish he were closer. He and I have become pretty close in the past 2 years.  I am so grateful for his friendship. He's a Pisces too, so he just gets me which is really cool. I am truly blessed to have him in my life, and it's funny that it came out of my relationship with Jason. Steve has become one of the only people in my life that I can count on.  Our phone conversations mimic our 4 hour marathons!

I wish I could tell you about my new job.  You would be so proud of me.  I finally left the high profile, money machine dental offices that always give me hell to work at a community health center primarily for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.  I am finally helping people who really need the help, real people.  Not people who have more money than brains, or people who moved here trying to live a lifestyle that they clearly can't afford. I feel like I am making a difference.  I took a major pay cut but the "pay off" is that I finally love my job!   Haven't said that in many, many years.  Even though it still isn't my dream, or what I originally moved here to do, I enjoy it.  I'm hoping that when I catch up on bills, I can get my kit together and start freelancing again. I know your watching over me, and maybe you even helped with the new job.  Yep, probably.  I love you Allen.

My haunting memories

I don't know if it's just something I'm going through, or if I'm trying to be contacted from the other side but for the past few months I keep having dreams of Jason and such vivid memories of my past.  Specifically time with my Grandparents, my Dad, things that have happened to me here, both good and bad.  Like I'm reliving everything.  Although I don't want to forget the ones I love, some of these memories or haunting dreams are hurtful. I don't regret my life or the mistakes I've made, but I don't want to relive some things and I don't know why I'm dreaming about all this.  I'm not lonely, I've always been a loner. I'm pretty happy with my life, like living alone and love my little bad ass dog with all my heart.

I do however miss my Mom, even though she hurts my feelings on the regular now.  I guess I miss the life I had, even if I was a party girl and all my friendships were pretty fake and solely based on nightlife.  I don't really do anything now.  I work, come home and that's it.  I spend all my free time alone.  But why spend time with people who feel your meaningless?  What's the point?  Hopefully at this job, I will make some new friends who really care.  I'd settle for one.

An update on love and dating

So, my last post about dating was in February 2010 close to Valentine's Day. And as of this posting it has not got any better. I continue to get emails from men 10-20 years older than me and the rare few that are my age are just plain weird.  If I'm not interested, they ask me why.  The few that I was interested in have more baggage than the airport.  The most recent, I'll call me "G" is recently separated, was married over 6 years and the divorce isn't in the near future because of the "cost".  Though he was nice, and we seemed to connect a little I declined to meet him simply because I feel like you need a good year to get over someone.  And I don't want to be rebound girl.  Also, technically he's still married and well, in my eyes that would make me an adulterer.   I've been talking to another one for about a week, but something seems fishy about him.  Plus he only has one picture, and somehow it seems fake too!  Time will tell I guess.  No real connection with him.  No life in his emails.  Somehow it all seems a little too construed. 

Long time gone

It's been awhile since I've updated my blog.  I finally got a job!!  I love it, only I took yet another pay cut.  But I have amazing benefits.  I am the Dental Treatment Specialist at Callen-Lorde Community Health Center in Chelsea.  It's primarily for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, but serves the entire community. I really like working there.

Still living in the same place now since 07, but of course the landlord is a piece of shit.  We've had a really bad storm in the past 24 hrs with over 7 inches of rain.  My electricity went out at 3:30 am and was out for awhile, came back on about an hour later and little did I know that my bathroom and kitchen was still out which meant that my refrigerator was off for over 8 hours!  I barely have any food as it is and now it was spoiling.  I called work and said I would be late, as I was trying to get a hold of my landlord, he had me run downstairs after he woke up the tenant in the basement and flip the breakers...I was dressed and ready for work, climbing over shit piled up in front of the box, it's pouring down rain and humid as hell!!  Then I had to run back upstairs in the rain to see if it came on which it didn't.  I called Ruth, my friend down the street to ask if I could bring some things to her house to keep cool, bagged it up and was down there when my lovely landlord called and said I would have to be here for Boris or an electrician to get in the house.  No one has the 3 sets of keys I've given to them for my apartment.

So, I missed a day of work.  I'm not over my 90 day probationary period yet! This sucks!!  I'm in such a bad mood right now!!  I haven't eaten dinner, the house is a wreck.  The stupid Asian that lives above me makes too much damn noise!  He said it wasn't him making the noise yet every time it's happening and I call or text when he goes to his phone it stops.  He's lying.