So, today started out like any other weekend day. Slept in a little, woke up and was doing laundry by 10:30, took Hiro out for a walk, had some lunch, watched a movie, talked on the phone and played on the computer. The problem was my dream last night. I've still been having dreams of Jason and I together, some memories posed as dreams and some plain dreams. Last night I dreamt of the baby we were supposed to have. I usually don't get to see faces, but last night I did. We had a boy, blondish brown hair, blue eyes, it was so real. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I would stop dreaming of him and life with him, without him, about him. It's just hurtful. Why would my subconscious be doing this to me?
I will never know why, or what if, or how come. I was the one who ended it. I cut off contact. So, ultimately it's on me for not pursuing answers. He left a whole in my heart. I tried to date again, I've been on a dating site for over a year and couldn't get past any emails. I know in my heart I will never love again. It took so much just to tear down the wall from the last time he hurt me. I should have known better.
I always wonder though. What if I would have moved there? What if we continued with our plans without me moving there? Will he ever get it together? What if he comes back? What would I say? Would it be too late? Did all this happen for a reason? I feel like the connection with him will never end. It's been going on since 1997. Will I be a 50 year old woman wondering the same thing I am now?
Should I take a chance and make contact? What would I say? He tried to call in April, so I know I haven't left his mind completely. Will Jason ever prove me wrong?
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my dear friend, i think we all know deep down in our hearts how some of the ppl we care about really are. I know Poops' Dad was a loser and a cheater and immature, but i was in love. it really took me having the baby to understand he is NOT the type of boyfriend, husband or father that we need in our lives. i no longer hav feelings for him, but know that if he had done the right things months ago, it MIGHT hav been salvaged. you need to heal before u can get over whatever he did to you and truly find som1 who appreciates u. i realized through trying to date again, i am still going through the healing process. i have to learn to trust ppl again
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