As I sit here in your room, feeling uncomfortably numb with an Aunt I only tolerate because you love her more than me. It may not be true, but it's how I feel. Sitting here with you, there is so much I still want to know. So much I want to ask you. I'm not ready for you to leave me. When you leave I will truly be all alone in the world. Not another living person who is tied to me. Who's going to answer my questions about family recipes and things about me when I was a kid? Who am I going to call on my lunch break? I will officially become an orphan. I'm too young to have lost my whole family and I don't care if I'm not the only one. I don't care if it seems I'm having a pity party for myself. I don't care! It's so unfair. I'm tired of people telling me to be strong. I'm not strong!! I don't want to take care of myself. All I want you to do is wake up. I want you to need me because I need you. I want you to open your eyes.
I thought the hardest thing I ever had to do thus far was say goodbye to my father before I was even 30 and to put my precious Lady to sleep. I thought I would never recover from those. I still miss my Dad more than ever and at times it seems like yesterday instead of 8 years ago. I miss Lady too. She was my little baby girl who kept me safe and loved me with all her heart. But now, I think this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You illness has went on for years with so many ups and downs. I've taken red-eyes out of JFK to get to the Cleveland burn center. I've said goodbye to you so many times and thought I was okay with the thought of losing you. But this up and down thing is the hardest. I used to think losing someone fast and unexpectedly was the best way, but now I'm not sure of that. People with a terminal illness kinda have it the worst. Watching someone die slowly is killing me inside. Almost losing you time and time again then having you bounce back is taking a toll on me. It has killed me inside. My father's death was so fast and unexpected I was in shock. I walked around NYC in a kinda comatose like state. I don't even remember much of my own life that year, almost like I blocked it out.
But this, watching you die slowly is ripping my heart out.
I met with the hospice Chaplin yesterday and she said that if you don't pass when your here, the next visit to Ohio would be for a funeral. I had pretending to have family. I hate pretending to have something in common with them and I hate them for trying to make uncomfortable small talk with me. If it were not for my mother being here, they wouldn't know if I were dead or alive. I hate pretending. I know they don't care, let's just keep it like that.
I brought my laptop with me so that I would have something to do sitting here in silence for long hours at a time, and funny thing is I don't know what to say.
The other thing that bothers me is the amount of medication that they give you. Morphine every half hour under the tongue and a slew of other meds. Morphine is one of the strongest drugs on the planet and the fact that your still having pain through all this just kills me.
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