Punching Bag

Well I just had the most pleasant conversation of my day. The 4th phone call in fact with my Mother. I never do or never have done anything to please her. She's upset because she is lonely. Sibby is sick, so she didn't come up today. ONE fucking day and she is lonely. I called earlier and she was balling as she answered the phone, she misses me, it's been a year, she misses me so much. She makes me feel like I'm a cold hearted bitch. What the fuck would she like me to do? I am barely existing. I have no existence right now. I am trying harder than anyone knows to get out of this mess. NOT just for her, but for myself!!!! I can't continue to cry and be made to feel guilty. I'm on fucking unemployment and I'm still paying her phone bill.

She told me tonight, I don't know why you ever chose to move to New York. I said to live my own life, this is where I wanted to be. I said you CHOSE TO BE IN OHIO. YOU CHOSE YOUR FAMILY OVER ME. You don't have to be miserable, you have to make the best out of the situation, she said she had nobody. I said you have your family, you have your sisters, your nieces and nephews. I have NO ONE. My father is gone, I have no brothers or sisters, my Grandparents are gone, my best friend is gone. ALL I HAVE IS MY DOG.

She has never said that she is proud of me, all she does is make me feel guilty for being here. For 10 mother fucking years, I've had nothing but GUILT. I'm the worst daughter in the world.

I'm so tired of her making me feel bad. I don't want to talk to her. I'm not her fucking punching bag.

I'm so sick of the world right now.

Ruth too. That nasty old bitch, or dirty old bitch I should say, said I was a miserable person b/c I WORRY TOO MUCH. I'm sorry, but I guess I didn't come with that button to turn it on and off. My life right now is not all puppies and sunshine!!! Ruth has NO EMOTION, but quite animated. She basically told me that there is not ONE person in this world that she would get upset over or cry over. No one that would just devastate her if something happened to them. I think that is a sad, sad existence. Cold hearted.

I'm in a miserable situation, but I am NOT a miserable person. There are two sides to every scenario and I have to be prepared for either one of them. I have no safety net. I have to be prepared for anything to happen.

I'm so over everyone at this point. I have deactivated my facebook account, I'm gonna turn my phone on silent. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'm over everybody. The world can fuck off because I am tired of trying to please everyone for myself.

Happy fucking Valentine's Day!!