My haunting memories

I don't know if it's just something I'm going through, or if I'm trying to be contacted from the other side but for the past few months I keep having dreams of Jason and such vivid memories of my past.  Specifically time with my Grandparents, my Dad, things that have happened to me here, both good and bad.  Like I'm reliving everything.  Although I don't want to forget the ones I love, some of these memories or haunting dreams are hurtful. I don't regret my life or the mistakes I've made, but I don't want to relive some things and I don't know why I'm dreaming about all this.  I'm not lonely, I've always been a loner. I'm pretty happy with my life, like living alone and love my little bad ass dog with all my heart.

I do however miss my Mom, even though she hurts my feelings on the regular now.  I guess I miss the life I had, even if I was a party girl and all my friendships were pretty fake and solely based on nightlife.  I don't really do anything now.  I work, come home and that's it.  I spend all my free time alone.  But why spend time with people who feel your meaningless?  What's the point?  Hopefully at this job, I will make some new friends who really care.  I'd settle for one.

An update on love and dating

So, my last post about dating was in February 2010 close to Valentine's Day. And as of this posting it has not got any better. I continue to get emails from men 10-20 years older than me and the rare few that are my age are just plain weird.  If I'm not interested, they ask me why.  The few that I was interested in have more baggage than the airport.  The most recent, I'll call me "G" is recently separated, was married over 6 years and the divorce isn't in the near future because of the "cost".  Though he was nice, and we seemed to connect a little I declined to meet him simply because I feel like you need a good year to get over someone.  And I don't want to be rebound girl.  Also, technically he's still married and well, in my eyes that would make me an adulterer.   I've been talking to another one for about a week, but something seems fishy about him.  Plus he only has one picture, and somehow it seems fake too!  Time will tell I guess.  No real connection with him.  No life in his emails.  Somehow it all seems a little too construed. 

Long time gone

It's been awhile since I've updated my blog.  I finally got a job!!  I love it, only I took yet another pay cut.  But I have amazing benefits.  I am the Dental Treatment Specialist at Callen-Lorde Community Health Center in Chelsea.  It's primarily for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, but serves the entire community. I really like working there.

Still living in the same place now since 07, but of course the landlord is a piece of shit.  We've had a really bad storm in the past 24 hrs with over 7 inches of rain.  My electricity went out at 3:30 am and was out for awhile, came back on about an hour later and little did I know that my bathroom and kitchen was still out which meant that my refrigerator was off for over 8 hours!  I barely have any food as it is and now it was spoiling.  I called work and said I would be late, as I was trying to get a hold of my landlord, he had me run downstairs after he woke up the tenant in the basement and flip the breakers...I was dressed and ready for work, climbing over shit piled up in front of the box, it's pouring down rain and humid as hell!!  Then I had to run back upstairs in the rain to see if it came on which it didn't.  I called Ruth, my friend down the street to ask if I could bring some things to her house to keep cool, bagged it up and was down there when my lovely landlord called and said I would have to be here for Boris or an electrician to get in the house.  No one has the 3 sets of keys I've given to them for my apartment.

So, I missed a day of work.  I'm not over my 90 day probationary period yet! This sucks!!  I'm in such a bad mood right now!!  I haven't eaten dinner, the house is a wreck.  The stupid Asian that lives above me makes too much damn noise!  He said it wasn't him making the noise yet every time it's happening and I call or text when he goes to his phone it stops.  He's lying.

I'm tired of living this way

So today I woke up and outside it still looks like it's night.  At 1 pm it was dark as night out and it's been raining all day.  I have looked for jobs about 4 times or more since 11 am and it's now 5 pm.  Nothing has been posted.  I cleaned the bathroom, dusted, swept the floors (with my swiffer) and made my bed.  I had a sandwich for lunch and just ate some leftovers for dinner already because I was hungry early.

I checked my bank account and to my surprise am negative $36.67 because they decided to charge me a $3.00 monthly fee and there you have it!  I am so tired of being broke.  Now I am out $36 dollars when this week I am out of everything... and have to pay Mom's phone bill and my phone bill.... GREAT!!

I really don't know what to do.  I am so over this life.  I'm over living.  Period.

March 18, 2010

10:00 seems to be the magic #, can't wake up any earlier for some reason.  Well, I know the reason, because I can't go to sleep before 1 am.  Straightened up the house then went out with Hiro for a walk, not far this time because my right ankle is swelled up on both sides and hurts.  It actually didn't hurt when I left or woke up, but by the time I got back home and right now, it's hurting.  Don't know what I did to it though!  We walked to McGreely Square sat about 10 minutes then came back to Journal Square and Ruth met us up for a few minutes... so we were gone about 2 hours.  Gonna try to get out tomorrow too.  It's just too nice outside for me to sit in this apt that I have been stuck in for 6 months.

I really thought I would hear from the interview I went to.... I haven't.  I am so scared.  My Mom hasn't been feeling up to par either, I talk to her about once per day.  I am lonely and fat.  It's 11 pm and I am still not tired.  I came home, cleaned up, looked for jobs a 2nd time ( I usually do this 3 or more times a day) cooked dinner, Daniel came over to visit, cleaned up the dishes, made peanut butter cookies..... and now nothing.....

:-(

6 Months

September 17, 2009 I lost my job for the 2nd time since January 2009.  Today is March 17, 2010 and it's been SIX LONG MONTHS.  I didn't think I would be unemployed this long.  I've been unemployed before in my life, but only for a couple of months.  The holidays of 2008, 2009, and so far 2010 has absolutely sucked!!  I haven't been able to participate in anything.  I have lost hope at this point.  I don't know what to do.  Maybe I should sell all my stuff and move?  But where?  Where do I go?  I don't know where to look for a job, I'm on every website out there.  I look at the ads/classifieds everyday, all day long. I keep my ass at home.  I've gained so much weight in six months it's insane... I miss my Mom like crazy and know I have lost and am losing valuable time with her that I can't get back.  So, anyway.... 6 Months.....

45 more minutes till I am ...... gasp~ 37!!

Today started off really good.  I got a great nights sleep, actually wanted to sleep longer.  You know when it's the perfect temperature, lighting, and your just so comfy.... I wanted to sleep longer but knew I had to get up.  I waited for the mail to come to get my birthday cards, then got dressed and off to Target I went to use the gift card my Uncle sent to buy some groceries.  Ugh, long, long walk.  But it was nice out, cloudy and slightly windy but nice.  Got depressed in Target, there are so many cute things both for me and the house and I cannot buy them.  I need a new couch cover so bad I'm afraid I'm gonna have to break down in a couple weeks and actually spend the money on one.  I had to leave after I spent the card, it hurts my feelings.  Still no calls about jobs.

My Mom, bless her heart sent me $15 for my birthday.  I feel so bad but will hurt her feelings if I send it back.  Facebook made me cry tonight, so many heartfelt messages from my friends.  Maybe I should move home?  I don't know. I'm going to see Alice in Wonderland tomorrow night with Porsha, her birthday gift to me!  I wish I had money to go out... I miss my friends and the life I used to have.

Oh well... gotta go....