I know I should totally not feel this way, but I am so angry with my Mom. I'm angry at her for being sick, for NOT taking care of herself. I'm angry at her for not quiting smoking, for not having another child so I had a brother or sisiter. For not letting me date when I was younger (maybe I would have been married by now), for not getting me help with my weight problem (again, maybe I would be married by now, but who wants to marry a fat woman). I'm angry at both of them for not pushing me harder.
I hate her for choosing her sister of me. I continute to hate her for choosing Sibby day in and day out. I hate her for leaving me. Leaving me with NO ONE> No one to call and check to see if I got home okay. No one. Who am I gonna call when I need to know something? Who's gonna care if I live or die? Who's gonna care if I'm homeless? Who's gonna be there for me now?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
What happened to my life? I've got great friends, right?
Today, since I woke up I have thought of nothing but my life. The past, the present and the future. I've had the tv on, but haven't really focused on anything except one show really. I've done nothing. Just now brushed my teeth at 7 pm. I haven't spoken to anyone, not even my Mother. Just my dog, and I've actually been grouchy to him.
I came to realize that I really don't have a life anymore. I have no friends. I mean, I have friends, but I mean real friends whom I do things with. Whom I'm active with socially and on a regular basis. Sure I have friends in TN, but those were HS friends or some thereafter, I haven't seen most of those people in 20 years. I have my friends that I've made in the 10 years I've lived here, but I haven't seen some in almost 5 months, some sadly in over a year or more. The only one that I see regularly is Ruth, a 60+ year old woman, who in some way is a mirror of my future self. She has no family, no friends close by, no kids, no husband or boyfriend. She is Alone. I am Alone. I mean, I really am. My Mom is dying of a terrible disease and I haven't seen her in almost a year. I am not married, no kids, no brothers or sisters, no Grandparents, no boyfriend, and no friends. Hiro, my beloved dog is my only friend.
I have become a recluse. I have no life. I mean I have friends, but few and far between. Some only call when they are coming to visit, they need a tour guide and sometimes a place to stay, they come I see them briefly, the leave then I don't hear from them till the next time comes around that they visit for business or pleasure.
Most are only in my life when things are going good, when I'm out, going dancing, going to their parties, bar hopping, eating dinner and basically just happy. None are around when skies are grey. There is no one to be seen. I'm sure they all think I'm some freak who's always sad. Oh woe is me, I have no family, my Mom is dying.
I've thought about sucide more than once in my life. I thought about it when I was in HS, GOD how I hated high school. But most recently I've been thinking of it more and more again.
Not that I would ever do it, nah, I'm too chicken for that. There's no way I would do that.
Thing is I have no solution for my problem, I thought I was a good judge of character. I know people grow apart, I know that people have lives. I thought I knew how to pick good people. I thought I was a good friend to them too. I guess not.
I came to realize that I really don't have a life anymore. I have no friends. I mean, I have friends, but I mean real friends whom I do things with. Whom I'm active with socially and on a regular basis. Sure I have friends in TN, but those were HS friends or some thereafter, I haven't seen most of those people in 20 years. I have my friends that I've made in the 10 years I've lived here, but I haven't seen some in almost 5 months, some sadly in over a year or more. The only one that I see regularly is Ruth, a 60+ year old woman, who in some way is a mirror of my future self. She has no family, no friends close by, no kids, no husband or boyfriend. She is Alone. I am Alone. I mean, I really am. My Mom is dying of a terrible disease and I haven't seen her in almost a year. I am not married, no kids, no brothers or sisters, no Grandparents, no boyfriend, and no friends. Hiro, my beloved dog is my only friend.
I have become a recluse. I have no life. I mean I have friends, but few and far between. Some only call when they are coming to visit, they need a tour guide and sometimes a place to stay, they come I see them briefly, the leave then I don't hear from them till the next time comes around that they visit for business or pleasure.
Most are only in my life when things are going good, when I'm out, going dancing, going to their parties, bar hopping, eating dinner and basically just happy. None are around when skies are grey. There is no one to be seen. I'm sure they all think I'm some freak who's always sad. Oh woe is me, I have no family, my Mom is dying.
I've thought about sucide more than once in my life. I thought about it when I was in HS, GOD how I hated high school. But most recently I've been thinking of it more and more again.
Not that I would ever do it, nah, I'm too chicken for that. There's no way I would do that.
Thing is I have no solution for my problem, I thought I was a good judge of character. I know people grow apart, I know that people have lives. I thought I knew how to pick good people. I thought I was a good friend to them too. I guess not.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been so spacey for over a week, I can't stop crying, I am tearing up as I type. I can't sleep, or sleep for a couple hours and wake up. I'm having panic attacks where I can't catch my breath. I don't want to do anything. I went out today, walking for about 2 hours. I promised myself that I would at least start doing that to get some exercise.
I don't know what to do to help myself. I can't stop crying long enough to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, not even my Mom. I really just want to curl up on the couch and die. I thought it would help me to try to blog tonight, but it's not working right now.
I don't know what to do to help myself. I can't stop crying long enough to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, not even my Mom. I really just want to curl up on the couch and die. I thought it would help me to try to blog tonight, but it's not working right now.
American Express, don't leave home without it
Well not in Jersey City apparently. I went out today to get a few things, went to the fruit market, shopped, went to the check out where the girl added up my items and bagged them up, $13.01 she said. I handed her my american express gift card. She swiped it and then said they didn't accept Amex. What? But Amex is accepted everywhere I said. She then called over another man who I would consider asian. He whipped out his cell phone, walked away and was on the phone for at least 10 minutes. He came back and said they "don't indeed accept Amex", do you have another form of payment? Do you think that I would have been standing here the whole time if I didn't? They then asked if I was coming back for my items and I said NO. I then continued my shopping through Journal Square then walked to Mc Greely SQ to yet another fruit market. Again I started shopping when it struck me that I should ask if they accpet Amex, and yes I was turned down once again. Wtf???
Another sleepless night ahead
Today I was on the phone pretty much all day long, either trying to get through to someone at the New York Unemployment office or just shootin' the breeze with friends. Seems I have run out of benefits and do not qualify for extended or emergency benefits because of "timing". Great. So now, I will go a couple of weeks with no pay and have to wait to see if I get any more benefits from the last job. Thing is, I don't know what I am going to do if I don't get benefits. I'm sure in the hell not going to a shelter. So where am I going to go with my tail between my legs? I have no home. My Mom is in a nursing home, my Dad is already gone, no grandparents and really no more family. I don't know what I am going to do.
In the meantime, what lie do I tell my landlord now? I really think sometimes things would be so much better if I would just die. I really can't take anymore. I'm tired of people telling me to be positive, it will get better, or your a strong person, or the best, God only gives you what you can handle. Really? I mean really??? How many other 36 year old women have had the experiences I have? How many others contemplate death and what to do with their beloved dog? I surely don't want anyone else to have him. No one would understand him and might beat him for what they think is being bad when he's just being Hiro. So, not only am I thinking about my imminent death, but his too.
All week long I've had horrific nightmares... about everything. Dreams and memories about Jason and me, so vivid like he's here, both the good and the bad. I've been so spacey I've been leaving out food, ruining things with bleach... I've completely been on another planet.
I mean it's midnight and I'm typing in my blog instead of sleeping. Something has to give. I need a miracle at this point..
In the meantime, what lie do I tell my landlord now? I really think sometimes things would be so much better if I would just die. I really can't take anymore. I'm tired of people telling me to be positive, it will get better, or your a strong person, or the best, God only gives you what you can handle. Really? I mean really??? How many other 36 year old women have had the experiences I have? How many others contemplate death and what to do with their beloved dog? I surely don't want anyone else to have him. No one would understand him and might beat him for what they think is being bad when he's just being Hiro. So, not only am I thinking about my imminent death, but his too.
All week long I've had horrific nightmares... about everything. Dreams and memories about Jason and me, so vivid like he's here, both the good and the bad. I've been so spacey I've been leaving out food, ruining things with bleach... I've completely been on another planet.
I mean it's midnight and I'm typing in my blog instead of sleeping. Something has to give. I need a miracle at this point..
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Slipping Away
I've probably called my Mom at least 6 times as of 10 pm. I miss her so very much and I know I am incredibly selfish. Selfish for not giving up my life and moving there. Selfish for begging God or the Universe not to take her yet, to give me one more year, or to take me. I'm just a waste of space, of flesh. I only worked 5 months out of 2009 and 8 months out of 2008. I haven't used my education, I'm not married, haven't reproduced. What good am I? I beg, pray, whatever everyday just to have more time with her.
I can't imagine going through life with no one to call and check up on me. No one for me to call and say, I love you. No one that I am eternally linked to by blood. It already still after all these years feels so odd to not be able to talk to my father or my grandparents. But when I loose the final link to my life is when I will truly loose myself.
I can't imagine going through life with no one to call and check up on me. No one for me to call and say, I love you. No one that I am eternally linked to by blood. It already still after all these years feels so odd to not be able to talk to my father or my grandparents. But when I loose the final link to my life is when I will truly loose myself.
Oh What a Night!
Yesterday I went to do some laundry "just in case" I get interviews this week. As I was pushing "Betsy" the cart I noticed a stomped on sunflower on the ground, then a rose in the same shape I might add, and last but definitely not least was a sprig of lavender with a condom. Hmmmm....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)