February 13, 2010

Well, today has started off just like last night ended.  My Mom called while I was on the phone with my friend Billie Jo, I called her back and then she started in on me why I moved here.  I told her she was afraid to be alone, I said I'm alone all the time and she said it's my own fault.  She said that the gadjos (non gypsies) said they didn't know why I moved to New York either.  I hung up on my Mother and then called her back about 15 minutes later.  I told her that if she didn't have anything nice to say to me, to NOT call me at all. Period.

Punching Bag

Well I just had the most pleasant conversation of my day. The 4th phone call in fact with my Mother. I never do or never have done anything to please her. She's upset because she is lonely. Sibby is sick, so she didn't come up today. ONE fucking day and she is lonely. I called earlier and she was balling as she answered the phone, she misses me, it's been a year, she misses me so much. She makes me feel like I'm a cold hearted bitch. What the fuck would she like me to do? I am barely existing. I have no existence right now. I am trying harder than anyone knows to get out of this mess. NOT just for her, but for myself!!!! I can't continue to cry and be made to feel guilty. I'm on fucking unemployment and I'm still paying her phone bill.

She told me tonight, I don't know why you ever chose to move to New York. I said to live my own life, this is where I wanted to be. I said you CHOSE TO BE IN OHIO. YOU CHOSE YOUR FAMILY OVER ME. You don't have to be miserable, you have to make the best out of the situation, she said she had nobody. I said you have your family, you have your sisters, your nieces and nephews. I have NO ONE. My father is gone, I have no brothers or sisters, my Grandparents are gone, my best friend is gone. ALL I HAVE IS MY DOG.

She has never said that she is proud of me, all she does is make me feel guilty for being here. For 10 mother fucking years, I've had nothing but GUILT. I'm the worst daughter in the world.

I'm so tired of her making me feel bad. I don't want to talk to her. I'm not her fucking punching bag.

I'm so sick of the world right now.

Ruth too. That nasty old bitch, or dirty old bitch I should say, said I was a miserable person b/c I WORRY TOO MUCH. I'm sorry, but I guess I didn't come with that button to turn it on and off. My life right now is not all puppies and sunshine!!! Ruth has NO EMOTION, but quite animated. She basically told me that there is not ONE person in this world that she would get upset over or cry over. No one that would just devastate her if something happened to them. I think that is a sad, sad existence. Cold hearted.

I'm in a miserable situation, but I am NOT a miserable person. There are two sides to every scenario and I have to be prepared for either one of them. I have no safety net. I have to be prepared for anything to happen.

I'm so over everyone at this point. I have deactivated my facebook account, I'm gonna turn my phone on silent. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'm over everybody. The world can fuck off because I am tired of trying to please everyone for myself.

Happy fucking Valentine's Day!!

Dear Allen

Today I had an interview, actually a 2nd interview as I went there yesterday too.  Before I walked in I was shit on by a pigeon, some say it's good luck, time will tell.  You don't know how much I miss you.  I miss you terribly. I need your wisdom, your strength and your encouragement.  Your the only one in my life who dared to push me.  Who made me feel as if I could do anything.  My world is crashing around me.  I found something that your Mom Sharon posted that I had not looked at in awhile.  It made me cry this afternoon.  Your birthday is coming up, February 14th, 2010... you would have been 37.  God you had just turned 36, for less than a month when you were taken away from the world.  I've heard from friends since your death what Joe did and didn't do and I wish you would have let me in, I wish you would have told me what he was doing.  I hate what he has done to you, your family and your things.  I hope that you are up in heaven giving him hell.  I wish there was something that I could do. I didn't find out till after the funeral that your parents didn't have money to bury you in anything but a pine box and that you don't even have a tombstone.  I wish there was something I could do.

I call your Mom and check in on her every few weeks.  I'm so sorry they lost the house, but I am sure the new apartment is much easier to handle.  I tried organizing some help for your Mom with friends from High School to get the rest of the things out of the house before the bank takes over, so I hope that worked out, I need to call and check.  I've just been so busy in my own little world and trying to figure out what I am going to do.  I've tried with Lee and he just won't let me in.  I worry that he's going to turn to drugs again.  I've called almost daily and left him messages but he just won't talk to me.  I don't know what else to do.   I know that you are watching over him, but I just wished he would open up.

I hope that I made as much of an impact on your life as you did on mine.  I miss you dearly.

xoxo
Glenna

I'm so Mad at her

I know I should totally not feel this way, but I am so angry with my Mom.  I'm angry at her for being sick, for NOT taking care of herself.  I'm angry at her for not quiting smoking, for not having another child so I had a brother or sisiter.  For not letting me date when I was younger (maybe I would have been married by now), for not getting me help with my weight problem (again, maybe I would be married by now, but who wants to marry a fat woman).  I'm angry at both of them for not pushing me harder. 

I hate her for choosing her sister of me.  I continute to hate her for choosing Sibby day in and day out.  I hate her for leaving me.  Leaving me with NO ONE>  No one to call and check to see if I got home okay.  No one.  Who am I gonna call when I need to know something?  Who's gonna care if I live or die?  Who's gonna care if I'm homeless?  Who's gonna be there for me now?

What happened to my life? I've got great friends, right?

Today, since I woke up I have thought of nothing but my life.  The past, the present and the future.  I've had the tv on, but haven't really focused on anything except one show really.  I've done nothing.  Just now brushed my teeth at 7 pm.  I haven't spoken to anyone, not even my Mother.  Just my dog, and I've actually been grouchy to him. 

I came to realize that I really don't have a life anymore.  I have no friends.  I mean, I have friends, but I mean real friends whom I do things with.  Whom I'm active with socially and on a regular basis.  Sure I have friends in TN, but those were HS friends or some thereafter, I haven't seen most of those people in 20 years.  I have my friends that I've made in the 10 years I've lived here, but I haven't seen some in almost 5 months, some sadly in over a year or more.  The only one that I see regularly is Ruth, a 60+ year old woman, who in some way is a mirror of my future self.   She has no family, no friends close by, no kids, no husband or boyfriend.  She is Alone.  I am Alone.   I mean, I really am.  My Mom is dying of a terrible disease and I haven't seen her in almost a year.  I am not married, no kids, no brothers or sisters, no Grandparents, no boyfriend, and no friends.  Hiro, my beloved dog is my only friend. 

I have become a recluse.  I have no life.  I mean I have friends, but few and far between. Some only call when they are coming to visit, they need a tour guide and sometimes a place to stay, they come I see them briefly, the leave then I don't hear from them till the next time comes around that they visit for business or pleasure.

Most are only in my life when things are going good, when I'm out, going dancing, going to their parties, bar hopping, eating dinner and basically just happy.  None are around when skies are grey.  There is no one to be seen.  I'm sure they all think I'm some freak who's always sad.  Oh woe is me, I have no family, my Mom is dying. 

I've thought about sucide more than once in my life.  I thought about it when I was in HS, GOD how I hated high school.  But most recently I've been thinking of it more and more again. 

Not that I would ever do it, nah, I'm too chicken for that.  There's no way I would do that.

Thing is I have no solution for my problem, I thought I was a good judge of character.  I know people grow apart, I know that people have lives.  I thought I knew how to pick good people.  I thought I was a good friend to them too.  I guess not.

Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I've been so spacey for over a week, I can't stop crying, I am tearing up as I type.  I can't sleep, or sleep for a couple hours and wake up.  I'm having panic attacks where I can't catch my breath.  I don't want to do anything.  I went out today, walking for about 2 hours.  I promised myself that I would at least start doing that to get some exercise.

I don't know what to do to help myself.  I can't stop crying long enough to do anything.  I don't want to talk to anyone, not even my Mom.  I really just want to curl up on the couch and die.  I thought it would help me to try to blog tonight, but it's not working right now.

American Express, don't leave home without it

Well not in Jersey City apparently.  I went out today to get a few things, went to the fruit market, shopped, went to the check out where the girl added up my items and bagged them up, $13.01 she said.  I handed her my american express gift card.  She swiped it and then said they didn't accept Amex.  What?  But Amex is accepted everywhere I said.  She then called over another man who I would consider asian.  He whipped out his cell phone, walked away and was on the phone for at least 10 minutes.  He came back and said they "don't indeed accept Amex", do you have another form of payment?  Do you think that I would have been standing here the whole time if I didn't?  They then asked if I was coming back for my items and I said NO.  I then continued my shopping through Journal Square then walked to Mc Greely SQ to yet another fruit market.  Again I started shopping when it struck me that I should ask if they accpet Amex, and yes I was turned down once again.  Wtf???