Goodbye to my lifeline

Dear Mom,

As I sit here in your room, feeling uncomfortably numb with an Aunt I only tolerate because you love her more than me. It may not be true, but it's how I feel.  Sitting here with you, there is so much I still want to know.  So much I want to ask you.  I'm not ready for you to leave me.  When you leave I will truly be all alone in the world.  Not another living person who is tied to me.  Who's going to answer my questions about family recipes and things about me when I was a kid?  Who am I going to call on my lunch break?  I will officially become an orphan.  I'm too young to have lost my whole family and I don't care if I'm not the only one.  I don't care if it seems I'm having a pity party for myself.  I don't care!  It's so unfair.   I'm tired of people telling me to be strong.  I'm not strong!!  I don't want to take care of myself.  All I want you to do is wake up.  I want you to need me because I need you.  I want you to open your eyes.

I thought the hardest thing I ever had to do thus far was say goodbye to my father before I was even 30 and to put my precious Lady to sleep.  I thought I would never recover from those.  I still miss my Dad more than ever and at times it seems like yesterday instead of 8 years ago.  I miss Lady too.  She was my little baby girl who kept me safe and loved me with all her heart. But now, I think this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  You illness has went on for years with so many ups and downs. I've taken red-eyes out of JFK to get to the Cleveland burn center.  I've said goodbye to you so many times and thought I was okay with the thought of losing you.  But this up and down thing is the hardest.  I used to think losing someone fast and unexpectedly was the best way, but now I'm not sure of that.  People with a terminal illness kinda have it the worst.  Watching someone die slowly is killing me inside.  Almost losing you time and time again then having you bounce back is taking a toll on me.  It has killed me inside. My father's death was so fast and unexpected I was in shock.  I walked around NYC in a kinda comatose like state.  I don't even remember much of my own life that year, almost like I blocked it out.

But this, watching you die slowly is ripping my heart out.  

I met with the hospice Chaplin yesterday and she said that if you don't pass when your here, the next visit to Ohio would be for a funeral.  I had pretending to have family.  I hate pretending to have something in common with them and I hate them for trying to make uncomfortable small talk with me.  If it were not for my mother being here, they wouldn't know if I were dead or alive. I hate pretending.  I know they don't care, let's just keep it like that.

I brought my laptop with me so that I would have something to do sitting here in silence for long hours at a time, and funny thing is I don't know what to say.


The other thing that bothers me is the amount of medication that they give you.  Morphine every half hour under the tongue and a slew of other meds. Morphine is one of the strongest drugs on the planet and the fact that your still having pain through all this just kills me.  

Oh Momma, please wake up.  I'm not ready for this.

He's my weakness

So, today started out like any other weekend day.  Slept in a little, woke up and was doing laundry by 10:30, took Hiro out for a walk, had some lunch, watched a movie, talked on the phone and played on the computer. The problem was my dream last night.  I've still been having dreams of Jason and I together, some memories posed as dreams and some plain dreams.  Last night I dreamt of the baby we were supposed to have.  I usually don't get to see faces, but last night I did.  We had a boy, blondish brown hair, blue eyes, it was so real.  I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I would stop dreaming of him and life with him, without him, about him.  It's just hurtful.  Why would my subconscious be doing this to me?

I will never know why, or what if, or how come.  I was the one who ended it.  I cut off contact.  So, ultimately it's on me for not pursuing answers.  He left a whole in my heart. I tried to date again, I've been on a dating site for over a year and couldn't get past any emails. I know in my heart I will never love again. It took so much just to tear down the wall from the last time he hurt me. I should have known better.

I always wonder though.  What if I would have moved there?  What if we continued with our plans without me moving there?  Will he ever get it together?  What if he comes back? What would I say?  Would it be too late?  Did all this happen for a reason?  I feel like the connection with him will never end.  It's been going on since 1997.  Will I be a 50 year old woman wondering the same thing I am now?  

Should I take a chance and make contact?  What would I say?  He tried to call in April, so I know I haven't left his mind completely. Will Jason ever prove me wrong?

I ♥ October!

So, I fell asleep on the couch last night, woke up around 2 am, washed my face and went directly to bed.  I finally slept in!  I finally got up around 11 am!!  I know I wasted part of a day, but I needed the sleep.  I think I got myself so worked up over my stupid ass landlord.  I missed a whole day of work b/c he's an idiot.  So, what's on my agenda today?  Cleaning!  I want to have the house completely cleaned before the exterminator gets here so that I don't wash away whatever he does!  It took 2 months for me to get the landlord to arrange this, so I need to be ready.  Other than that, my usual weekend agenda: cleaning, laundry, TV, cooking, movies, time with Hiro, writing, whatever I can fit in.... and usually catching up on phone calls and other correspondence.

It's Gorgeous outside!!  My kinda weather finally!! Well, I'll be back later for more confessions... chow!

Dear Allen

I haven't written you in awhile, but I think about you everyday.  I miss you dearly.  I try to call and check on your parents regularly, but haven't in about 2 weeks so I need to this weekend.  Everyone seems to be doing about the same, so no news is good news.  I haven't spoken to Lee in months.  I've tried and tried and for whatever reason, Lee just doesn't want to talk to me.  I've tried writing, I've tried calling and I've asked your Mom about him and told her to tell him to call me.  I worry that he's going to go down the wrong path again, but with no contact there is nothing I can do.

I miss you so much, and it's still hard to believe your gone.  I catch myself wanting to send you an email or call you.  It doesn't seem real.  You always knew what to say to make me feel better.  I have a friend named Steve, whom I met through Jason believe it or not and he's a great friend.  He truly cares and would do anything to help me and I would do the same for him.  He lives in San Diego with his boyfriend though, although I wish he were closer. He and I have become pretty close in the past 2 years.  I am so grateful for his friendship. He's a Pisces too, so he just gets me which is really cool. I am truly blessed to have him in my life, and it's funny that it came out of my relationship with Jason. Steve has become one of the only people in my life that I can count on.  Our phone conversations mimic our 4 hour marathons!

I wish I could tell you about my new job.  You would be so proud of me.  I finally left the high profile, money machine dental offices that always give me hell to work at a community health center primarily for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.  I am finally helping people who really need the help, real people.  Not people who have more money than brains, or people who moved here trying to live a lifestyle that they clearly can't afford. I feel like I am making a difference.  I took a major pay cut but the "pay off" is that I finally love my job!   Haven't said that in many, many years.  Even though it still isn't my dream, or what I originally moved here to do, I enjoy it.  I'm hoping that when I catch up on bills, I can get my kit together and start freelancing again. I know your watching over me, and maybe you even helped with the new job.  Yep, probably.  I love you Allen.

My haunting memories

I don't know if it's just something I'm going through, or if I'm trying to be contacted from the other side but for the past few months I keep having dreams of Jason and such vivid memories of my past.  Specifically time with my Grandparents, my Dad, things that have happened to me here, both good and bad.  Like I'm reliving everything.  Although I don't want to forget the ones I love, some of these memories or haunting dreams are hurtful. I don't regret my life or the mistakes I've made, but I don't want to relive some things and I don't know why I'm dreaming about all this.  I'm not lonely, I've always been a loner. I'm pretty happy with my life, like living alone and love my little bad ass dog with all my heart.

I do however miss my Mom, even though she hurts my feelings on the regular now.  I guess I miss the life I had, even if I was a party girl and all my friendships were pretty fake and solely based on nightlife.  I don't really do anything now.  I work, come home and that's it.  I spend all my free time alone.  But why spend time with people who feel your meaningless?  What's the point?  Hopefully at this job, I will make some new friends who really care.  I'd settle for one.

An update on love and dating

So, my last post about dating was in February 2010 close to Valentine's Day. And as of this posting it has not got any better. I continue to get emails from men 10-20 years older than me and the rare few that are my age are just plain weird.  If I'm not interested, they ask me why.  The few that I was interested in have more baggage than the airport.  The most recent, I'll call me "G" is recently separated, was married over 6 years and the divorce isn't in the near future because of the "cost".  Though he was nice, and we seemed to connect a little I declined to meet him simply because I feel like you need a good year to get over someone.  And I don't want to be rebound girl.  Also, technically he's still married and well, in my eyes that would make me an adulterer.   I've been talking to another one for about a week, but something seems fishy about him.  Plus he only has one picture, and somehow it seems fake too!  Time will tell I guess.  No real connection with him.  No life in his emails.  Somehow it all seems a little too construed. 

Long time gone

It's been awhile since I've updated my blog.  I finally got a job!!  I love it, only I took yet another pay cut.  But I have amazing benefits.  I am the Dental Treatment Specialist at Callen-Lorde Community Health Center in Chelsea.  It's primarily for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, but serves the entire community. I really like working there.

Still living in the same place now since 07, but of course the landlord is a piece of shit.  We've had a really bad storm in the past 24 hrs with over 7 inches of rain.  My electricity went out at 3:30 am and was out for awhile, came back on about an hour later and little did I know that my bathroom and kitchen was still out which meant that my refrigerator was off for over 8 hours!  I barely have any food as it is and now it was spoiling.  I called work and said I would be late, as I was trying to get a hold of my landlord, he had me run downstairs after he woke up the tenant in the basement and flip the breakers...I was dressed and ready for work, climbing over shit piled up in front of the box, it's pouring down rain and humid as hell!!  Then I had to run back upstairs in the rain to see if it came on which it didn't.  I called Ruth, my friend down the street to ask if I could bring some things to her house to keep cool, bagged it up and was down there when my lovely landlord called and said I would have to be here for Boris or an electrician to get in the house.  No one has the 3 sets of keys I've given to them for my apartment.

So, I missed a day of work.  I'm not over my 90 day probationary period yet! This sucks!!  I'm in such a bad mood right now!!  I haven't eaten dinner, the house is a wreck.  The stupid Asian that lives above me makes too much damn noise!  He said it wasn't him making the noise yet every time it's happening and I call or text when he goes to his phone it stops.  He's lying.

I'm tired of living this way

So today I woke up and outside it still looks like it's night.  At 1 pm it was dark as night out and it's been raining all day.  I have looked for jobs about 4 times or more since 11 am and it's now 5 pm.  Nothing has been posted.  I cleaned the bathroom, dusted, swept the floors (with my swiffer) and made my bed.  I had a sandwich for lunch and just ate some leftovers for dinner already because I was hungry early.

I checked my bank account and to my surprise am negative $36.67 because they decided to charge me a $3.00 monthly fee and there you have it!  I am so tired of being broke.  Now I am out $36 dollars when this week I am out of everything... and have to pay Mom's phone bill and my phone bill.... GREAT!!

I really don't know what to do.  I am so over this life.  I'm over living.  Period.

March 18, 2010

10:00 seems to be the magic #, can't wake up any earlier for some reason.  Well, I know the reason, because I can't go to sleep before 1 am.  Straightened up the house then went out with Hiro for a walk, not far this time because my right ankle is swelled up on both sides and hurts.  It actually didn't hurt when I left or woke up, but by the time I got back home and right now, it's hurting.  Don't know what I did to it though!  We walked to McGreely Square sat about 10 minutes then came back to Journal Square and Ruth met us up for a few minutes... so we were gone about 2 hours.  Gonna try to get out tomorrow too.  It's just too nice outside for me to sit in this apt that I have been stuck in for 6 months.

I really thought I would hear from the interview I went to.... I haven't.  I am so scared.  My Mom hasn't been feeling up to par either, I talk to her about once per day.  I am lonely and fat.  It's 11 pm and I am still not tired.  I came home, cleaned up, looked for jobs a 2nd time ( I usually do this 3 or more times a day) cooked dinner, Daniel came over to visit, cleaned up the dishes, made peanut butter cookies..... and now nothing.....

:-(

6 Months

September 17, 2009 I lost my job for the 2nd time since January 2009.  Today is March 17, 2010 and it's been SIX LONG MONTHS.  I didn't think I would be unemployed this long.  I've been unemployed before in my life, but only for a couple of months.  The holidays of 2008, 2009, and so far 2010 has absolutely sucked!!  I haven't been able to participate in anything.  I have lost hope at this point.  I don't know what to do.  Maybe I should sell all my stuff and move?  But where?  Where do I go?  I don't know where to look for a job, I'm on every website out there.  I look at the ads/classifieds everyday, all day long. I keep my ass at home.  I've gained so much weight in six months it's insane... I miss my Mom like crazy and know I have lost and am losing valuable time with her that I can't get back.  So, anyway.... 6 Months.....

45 more minutes till I am ...... gasp~ 37!!

Today started off really good.  I got a great nights sleep, actually wanted to sleep longer.  You know when it's the perfect temperature, lighting, and your just so comfy.... I wanted to sleep longer but knew I had to get up.  I waited for the mail to come to get my birthday cards, then got dressed and off to Target I went to use the gift card my Uncle sent to buy some groceries.  Ugh, long, long walk.  But it was nice out, cloudy and slightly windy but nice.  Got depressed in Target, there are so many cute things both for me and the house and I cannot buy them.  I need a new couch cover so bad I'm afraid I'm gonna have to break down in a couple weeks and actually spend the money on one.  I had to leave after I spent the card, it hurts my feelings.  Still no calls about jobs.

My Mom, bless her heart sent me $15 for my birthday.  I feel so bad but will hurt her feelings if I send it back.  Facebook made me cry tonight, so many heartfelt messages from my friends.  Maybe I should move home?  I don't know. I'm going to see Alice in Wonderland tomorrow night with Porsha, her birthday gift to me!  I wish I had money to go out... I miss my friends and the life I used to have.

Oh well... gotta go....

Goodbye Sun

Well, I didn't sleep well last night but woke up at 9 am.  I didn't really get moving until about 11:30, got my laundry together and off to the laundromat I went... I only get to keep $30 out of my unemployment money.  I only had enough money to do two loads of laundry.  Then I went to C-Town to get some groceries, with the $14 I had left.  which is only going to last me maybe 3 days if that.  My birthday is in 2 days.  My friend Porsha is taking me out friday night to see Alice & Wonderland, and my Uncle Jim sent me a $50 Target gift card, which I am going to use tomorrow to buy some more groceries and whatever else I can get.  This is probably the worst shape I have ever been in in my whole life.

I want to go out and loose my mind so much.  I have only got one birthday card as of today... so funny, I've been so good to all my friends and I can't even get a birthday card.  So fucked up.  There has been little or no ads for jobs on Craigslist or The New York Times, and yet no phone calls what-so-ever.  It's almost as if I am being punished or blackballed somehow.  I don't know what to to.

I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since I've had a job.  About to be 37 years old.  What a loser.

3/8/2010

Today started off waiting for the Comcast guy to come pick up the equipment since I cancelled cable.  While I was waiting, I started cleaning, moving things around hanging up and moving pictures, etc.  I wanted to do my 2 mile hike but got into the cleaning groove.  I swept, mopped, dusted, washed dishes, made the bed and cooked dinner.  In between I looked for jobs, checked email, chatted on the phone and farted around.  

I am now showered and waiting for Gossip Girl to come on.  I was so happy to get a birthday card from my Uncle Jim, he sent me a $50 gift card for Target!! I need it so much, thank God!!  

I also called Tamika today and left a message.  I haven't spoken to her since sometime in 2004 I think, I don't even know why we stopped talking.  I miss her, and think of her often.  

It was so nice here today, 64 degrees and sunny!! I really hope that it stays that way!

Well, I am off to call my Mom or hunt her down before my show starts...... 

From Happy to Sad in less than 60 seconds

Well I just got off the phone with my mother..... I can be in the Best mood ever and it takes her less than a minute to put me in a bad mood.  I called her to talk, tell her about Hiro and the park, and the dinner I made.   I've been tryin to call her since I got home, for about 3 hours.  She finally answered the phone and said the she and Sibby just got back from A&W for dinner.  So, joking I said I hope the deep fried mushrooms burned your lip.  She then got nasty and said that I was begrudged her..... Are you fucking serious??  All the times that I have told her about me eating out or buying something for myself or the apartment or getting my haircut and she makes me feel bad???  Half the things in my life I can't tell her about.  Am I envious??? Hell fucking yes, but I was only kidding.  I know that food there sucks!!

But hell the fuck yea, I want to eat out!! I can't afford fucking french fries!!  Sibby has no job, yet manages to eat out everyday!!!  Fuck them!!  I hung up on her.  I don't have patience to be spoken to so hateful all the time.  I'm sick of it, illness or no illness.

Well.... so much for my lovely day!!!

March 2010

March 6, 2010

Well, it's just 6 days till my birthday.  It will be another sucky one.  I still have not found a job.  I mean, I'm not even getting any phone calls.  I had ONE interview in February!!  It's as if I have been black balled and everyone has a copy of my resume and my picture with an alert saying "don't hire her"!!  I mean, what the F*ck is going on??  This is the longest I have ever been unemployed.  I mean, I've been unemployed before, but never for this long.  It's going on 6 months the 17th of March.

Hiro and I just got back from walking to Lincoln Park and back, when we got in he started hopping around like his back paw is hurt.  Licking it, acting like he's in distress.  I washed all his paws and tried to put peroxide on it, but he won't let me look.  He isn't bleeding, and I don't see a sign of blood.  I pressed on his foot and he didn't wimper..... that is all I need is another vet bill.

The weather is nice today, it's sunny, the sky is blue and the temperature is 55 degrees!!  I only had a hoodie on and a light weight scarf.  I have 3 windows open b/c it's too warm in here and of course my landlord never fixed me heat so I can control it.

Ruth, Porsha and Franky have all offered to take me out for my birthday, and while I totally appreciate it, I don't want to go.  Makes me feel worse to not have any money or not be able to participate in any holiday or celebration.

I miss my Mom so much and want to see her so bad.  I thank God every day for getting her one more day.  I've lost a whole year without her.  And for that I will always feel guilty.  Well, I am gonna browse the internet awhile then do a little cleaning before I make dinner.

Oh, I fee so inspired by the movie Julie & Julia.  I think I'm gonna see about going to culinary school.  And my goal is to stay motivated to walk to Lincoln Park everyday, if the weather will permit me to.

Let's see if I can make it!

February 13, 2010

Well, today has started off just like last night ended.  My Mom called while I was on the phone with my friend Billie Jo, I called her back and then she started in on me why I moved here.  I told her she was afraid to be alone, I said I'm alone all the time and she said it's my own fault.  She said that the gadjos (non gypsies) said they didn't know why I moved to New York either.  I hung up on my Mother and then called her back about 15 minutes later.  I told her that if she didn't have anything nice to say to me, to NOT call me at all. Period.

Punching Bag

Well I just had the most pleasant conversation of my day. The 4th phone call in fact with my Mother. I never do or never have done anything to please her. She's upset because she is lonely. Sibby is sick, so she didn't come up today. ONE fucking day and she is lonely. I called earlier and she was balling as she answered the phone, she misses me, it's been a year, she misses me so much. She makes me feel like I'm a cold hearted bitch. What the fuck would she like me to do? I am barely existing. I have no existence right now. I am trying harder than anyone knows to get out of this mess. NOT just for her, but for myself!!!! I can't continue to cry and be made to feel guilty. I'm on fucking unemployment and I'm still paying her phone bill.

She told me tonight, I don't know why you ever chose to move to New York. I said to live my own life, this is where I wanted to be. I said you CHOSE TO BE IN OHIO. YOU CHOSE YOUR FAMILY OVER ME. You don't have to be miserable, you have to make the best out of the situation, she said she had nobody. I said you have your family, you have your sisters, your nieces and nephews. I have NO ONE. My father is gone, I have no brothers or sisters, my Grandparents are gone, my best friend is gone. ALL I HAVE IS MY DOG.

She has never said that she is proud of me, all she does is make me feel guilty for being here. For 10 mother fucking years, I've had nothing but GUILT. I'm the worst daughter in the world.

I'm so tired of her making me feel bad. I don't want to talk to her. I'm not her fucking punching bag.

I'm so sick of the world right now.

Ruth too. That nasty old bitch, or dirty old bitch I should say, said I was a miserable person b/c I WORRY TOO MUCH. I'm sorry, but I guess I didn't come with that button to turn it on and off. My life right now is not all puppies and sunshine!!! Ruth has NO EMOTION, but quite animated. She basically told me that there is not ONE person in this world that she would get upset over or cry over. No one that would just devastate her if something happened to them. I think that is a sad, sad existence. Cold hearted.

I'm in a miserable situation, but I am NOT a miserable person. There are two sides to every scenario and I have to be prepared for either one of them. I have no safety net. I have to be prepared for anything to happen.

I'm so over everyone at this point. I have deactivated my facebook account, I'm gonna turn my phone on silent. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'm over everybody. The world can fuck off because I am tired of trying to please everyone for myself.

Happy fucking Valentine's Day!!

Dear Allen

Today I had an interview, actually a 2nd interview as I went there yesterday too.  Before I walked in I was shit on by a pigeon, some say it's good luck, time will tell.  You don't know how much I miss you.  I miss you terribly. I need your wisdom, your strength and your encouragement.  Your the only one in my life who dared to push me.  Who made me feel as if I could do anything.  My world is crashing around me.  I found something that your Mom Sharon posted that I had not looked at in awhile.  It made me cry this afternoon.  Your birthday is coming up, February 14th, 2010... you would have been 37.  God you had just turned 36, for less than a month when you were taken away from the world.  I've heard from friends since your death what Joe did and didn't do and I wish you would have let me in, I wish you would have told me what he was doing.  I hate what he has done to you, your family and your things.  I hope that you are up in heaven giving him hell.  I wish there was something that I could do. I didn't find out till after the funeral that your parents didn't have money to bury you in anything but a pine box and that you don't even have a tombstone.  I wish there was something I could do.

I call your Mom and check in on her every few weeks.  I'm so sorry they lost the house, but I am sure the new apartment is much easier to handle.  I tried organizing some help for your Mom with friends from High School to get the rest of the things out of the house before the bank takes over, so I hope that worked out, I need to call and check.  I've just been so busy in my own little world and trying to figure out what I am going to do.  I've tried with Lee and he just won't let me in.  I worry that he's going to turn to drugs again.  I've called almost daily and left him messages but he just won't talk to me.  I don't know what else to do.   I know that you are watching over him, but I just wished he would open up.

I hope that I made as much of an impact on your life as you did on mine.  I miss you dearly.

xoxo
Glenna

I'm so Mad at her

I know I should totally not feel this way, but I am so angry with my Mom.  I'm angry at her for being sick, for NOT taking care of herself.  I'm angry at her for not quiting smoking, for not having another child so I had a brother or sisiter.  For not letting me date when I was younger (maybe I would have been married by now), for not getting me help with my weight problem (again, maybe I would be married by now, but who wants to marry a fat woman).  I'm angry at both of them for not pushing me harder. 

I hate her for choosing her sister of me.  I continute to hate her for choosing Sibby day in and day out.  I hate her for leaving me.  Leaving me with NO ONE>  No one to call and check to see if I got home okay.  No one.  Who am I gonna call when I need to know something?  Who's gonna care if I live or die?  Who's gonna care if I'm homeless?  Who's gonna be there for me now?

What happened to my life? I've got great friends, right?

Today, since I woke up I have thought of nothing but my life.  The past, the present and the future.  I've had the tv on, but haven't really focused on anything except one show really.  I've done nothing.  Just now brushed my teeth at 7 pm.  I haven't spoken to anyone, not even my Mother.  Just my dog, and I've actually been grouchy to him. 

I came to realize that I really don't have a life anymore.  I have no friends.  I mean, I have friends, but I mean real friends whom I do things with.  Whom I'm active with socially and on a regular basis.  Sure I have friends in TN, but those were HS friends or some thereafter, I haven't seen most of those people in 20 years.  I have my friends that I've made in the 10 years I've lived here, but I haven't seen some in almost 5 months, some sadly in over a year or more.  The only one that I see regularly is Ruth, a 60+ year old woman, who in some way is a mirror of my future self.   She has no family, no friends close by, no kids, no husband or boyfriend.  She is Alone.  I am Alone.   I mean, I really am.  My Mom is dying of a terrible disease and I haven't seen her in almost a year.  I am not married, no kids, no brothers or sisters, no Grandparents, no boyfriend, and no friends.  Hiro, my beloved dog is my only friend. 

I have become a recluse.  I have no life.  I mean I have friends, but few and far between. Some only call when they are coming to visit, they need a tour guide and sometimes a place to stay, they come I see them briefly, the leave then I don't hear from them till the next time comes around that they visit for business or pleasure.

Most are only in my life when things are going good, when I'm out, going dancing, going to their parties, bar hopping, eating dinner and basically just happy.  None are around when skies are grey.  There is no one to be seen.  I'm sure they all think I'm some freak who's always sad.  Oh woe is me, I have no family, my Mom is dying. 

I've thought about sucide more than once in my life.  I thought about it when I was in HS, GOD how I hated high school.  But most recently I've been thinking of it more and more again. 

Not that I would ever do it, nah, I'm too chicken for that.  There's no way I would do that.

Thing is I have no solution for my problem, I thought I was a good judge of character.  I know people grow apart, I know that people have lives.  I thought I knew how to pick good people.  I thought I was a good friend to them too.  I guess not.